Difficult Conversations With a Loved One: Giving up the Car
An elderly loved one may resist when a family member raises concerns about his or her driving because he or she wants to remain independent as long as possible. For an elderly driver, surrendering the car keys signifies a lifestyle change, affecting where the senior lives, who he or she sees and which activities he or she pursues. A senior may feel devastated and afraid of losing control and autonomy. Therefore, it’s important to consider his or her viewpoint and understand his or her concerns about handing over the keys.
Prepare for the discussion with your loved one by approaching it with realistic expectations. You most likely will have several discussions on this topic, and the transitional process will take time. Follow these tips to help you prepare for your initial talk with the elderly driver:
- Avoid coming on too strong. Rather, initiate the discussion with a question (“How are you doing with your driving?”).
- Don’t immediately offer solutions (“I’m sure Jane could drive you to the grocery store.”) or reassurances (“Everything will be OK.”). These may offer temporary comfort, but they won’t help the elderly driver express his or her fears regarding the transition.
- Instead, use reflective listening—rephrase what the person said—which conveys support and encourages the senior to discuss his or her feelings.
- Help your loved one identify the pros and cons of elderly driving vs. not driving. He or she may discover there are benefits to not driving, or realize the consequences that could result if he or she continues.
- Anticipate the practical problems that likely will result if your elderly loved one quits driving.
Unless the elderly driver suffers from dementia or is otherwise incapacitated, respect his or her right to make life decisions, with your input and support. Also, being active in the senior’s life will reassure him or her that being less mobile doesn’t have to lead to isolation and boredom.
How have you alleviated your loved one’s anxiety about giving up driving?
Right at Home, Inc. is your local and international expert for issues related to caring for your loved one and is dedicated to keeping you informed about home care. Right at Home offers in-home care and assistance so your loved one can continue living independently and enjoying a vibrant life. Our caregivers are screened, trained, bonded and insured prior to entering your home so you can trust us with the caregiving while you focus on your loved one.
I'M IN THE POSITION OF TAKING MY MOM'S KEYS FROM HER, DUE TO HER NOT KNOWING WHAT HAPPENED OVER THE WEEKEND. SHE HIT A CAR, AND HER CAR IS INOPERABLE AND IN STORAGE. SHE REALIZES SHE CAN'T DRIVE IT ANYMORE, DUE TO NO INSURANCE, NO DRIVER'S LICENSE....IT'S A REAL MESS...I'M SURE SHE IS THINKING ABOUT ALL OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED. I'M ON MY WAY TO HER HOME TO TAKE HER WHERE SHE NEEDS TO GO AND WE WILL BE DISCUSSING WHAT HER OPTIONS ARE...
Please, please, please be aware of what is going on with your aging parents. My mother has been dead for 9 months, and the years prior to her death were terrible. My sister cared for my mother, and did all she could. (I am disabled.) It was not enough. My sister ruined her own health, and took all her cues and instruction from my mother, instead of taking control and getting power of attorney and guiding my mother's activities. My mother realized she could not drive anymore and got rid of her car. But it may have been too late. She only came to the conclusion she could not drive anymore when she found she could no longer identify the controls on the car and remember what they were for (while she was driving!!). My aunt detected dementia 10 years prior to my mother's death. I did not live in town with her, and really started picking up things over the phone 5 years prior to her death. Now that I have time to reflect, I realize I started to witness small behavioral changes when my mother was in her 60's! She was getting lost while driving the car in familiar places. She was falling in the house, but not telling anyone and hiding her black and blues. Due to no intervention, the dementia progressed into physical failure, terrible falls and injury, and problems with the bank - my mother could no longer keep track of her checkbook and was spending a small fortune (trickling & hidden expenditures) at Tuesday Morning. Then she would hide what she bought in plain sight; but not really. We found a small hoard when we cleaned out her cupboards and closets. Upon her death, we found all sorts of things squirreled away. My mother was fiercely independent, but her mind betrayed her. Those in contact with seniors have to stay alert to changes in the house, behavioral changes, sanitary changes, mysterious bruises & injuries. Someone needed to take my mother in hand, and my sister was too afraid to do it. I was forbidden to take action at my end, but was prepared to do so. My mother needed assisted living, or at home care, at the very least. She refused enerything, and instead hired non-professionals to clean (and didn't) who stole household goods from right under her nose. Thank you for forming a company like yours, and recognizing a genuine need in our aging population. I am headed down the road myself. I am 63, disabled and just retired from 46 years in the work force. I need assistance from time to time, and my family is happy to help. But my daughter knows that down the line, she will not be able to do what is needed, because she is still working. That is another thing. My sister was nearly fired 2 times, because she took so much time off from work to care for my mother. It was becoming a full time job, at the end.
Thank you for your comments, Dianne. We appreciate your willingness to share your experience with your mom so others will know some of the signs to look for in their aging loved ones that may indicate a need for help. Thanks for your candor.